Finding My Totem

It was the time of pre-dawn. The sky was still dark, there were few stars shining if any, God wandered afar on the earth.
My God Mother had been missing for days now and my God Father and I were wandering – meandering along her last known path. The wilderness was eerie and the noises of the night were all around us. In my small child’s mind every noise and every quick sight out of the corner of my eye was frightening and I clung to my God Father’s hand even tighter. Never daring to let go, for fear that the earth would swallow me whole and I would never be seen or heard from again.
In this time, way back in early Man’s history, the animals which stalked the earth were the lesser Dinosaurs, the Sabre Tooth Tigers, the earlier winged creatures who seemed to own the sky – no matter whether it be night or day. There were people wandering around, all bent over in weird shapes and forms. Carrying dead carcasses or dragging them back to their caves. Children were clinging to their mother’s furs on their skin, watching their father’s bringing home the dinner. I could hear the distant growl of the earth and feel the vibration beneath my bare feet. I clung to my God Father’s hand even tighter. He winced and looked down at me with a sudden pang.
Just then we both felt the earth vibrate and shake beneath us. Trees all around dropped their fruit, or leaves, or swayed with the vibration. I screamed as cracks began to show in the earth’s ground. At first, small cracks, then larger and larger – away from us and in front of us. I was terrified and couldn’t move for the incredible fear that was over taking my very being.
A crack that had formed in front of us became wider and wider. It opened up to reveal a depth that I had never known before. The heat from this ever increasing yawning of the earth was over whelming and exhausting me, both at the same time.
My one thought was to run – in any direction I could – just to be safe. My legs carried me afar and I could feel my feet growing hotter and hotter as I stomped onto small heated rocks that were thrown up from the yawning crevasse.
Boulders and rocks began flying from the night sky, some even flew from deep with in the crevasse along side of me. I tried to keep it to the right of me – in fear that I would fall into it and never be seen again.
I yelled and screamed in terror as I was fleeing this awful moment. I let me hand fall to my side and then realised that my God Father’s hand was no longer clutching mine. I dared to look to my right side and realised the awful truth. He had disappeared. Just like my God Mother – she had gone just as quickly and we were both looking for her. Now, it seemed, I was totally on my own.
The earth continued to rumble with a loud terrorising noise, letting out steam and fire from vents opening up all me. I saw people running here and there – calling out for their children, their mates, their families. I was alone and knew that I was “different” to them, so I dared not let them see me. My skin was lily white and soft, by comparison to theirs, should they see me, I was not certain of what fate would befall me. My God Father had warned me of this from an earlier age. Now though, I was alone and had a single thought to find a sanctuary, a place of safety for myself until the earth would becalm itself and right itself once again.
I saw a sabre tooth tiger in the distance, running toward me and the other people. They and it were not even taking notice of me. It was a good omen for me to move closer to them, perhaps I could be mistaken, even in the shorter moment, for one of their own. The tiger saw me and moved closer and closer toward me. It bounded higher and higher up the mountain I had clambered to be away from the earth’s yawning crevasse. I was frightened to the point of shaking and began to run in the wrong direction – down the mountain toward a home I would never see again – a home I did not even know would still be there when I returned.
I stumbled over a rock on the ground and fell, into a hole that had opened up. I screamed and landed heavily on my right side. My hip was badly bruised and when I looked up I could see the bright orange and yellow – white sparks and fire flying high above the earth.
Just then the tiger put her head through the hole and looked down at me. She roared with anger at me and put her right front paw in with open and elongated claws ready to strike. Perhaps she thought I was her next meal. I didn’t know. All I knew right then was that I thought this would be my last breath. She caught me on my left thigh and left a deep gash into the skin. I was deeply scratched from the top of my thigh down to my knee. She could smell the scent of blood on me.
Suddenly something frightened her away. I heard a very loud growl followed by an equally loud roar. It was deafening and for a moment I could not hear the earth trembling and vibrating. I slowly pushed myself up with my hands on the ground and was on all fours. I could not see anything from that point, so I decided to reach up to the top of the hole. Still I could not see anything. However as I slowly turned around to face the darkened night, it seemed that in the midst of all the fire works, there I could see a most majestic sight.
The biggest brown bear I have ever seen was standing over this huge sabre tooth tiger. Both of them were roaring and growling. Their hackles were up, they were both snarling at each other. I could see, quite near the bear was a vision of a beautiful white Spirited Woman. She was as tall as the bear and had lovely long white hair. She looked so familiar to me and the sight of her, filled me with such inner peace that I hadn’t known for quite a long while. I couldn’t help but stare at her.
Then suddenly it seemed that something had startled the tiger away. As I watched this sight, the vision of the bear appeared to take on a different form and all of a sudden the “bear” seemed to disappear all together and another woman was left in it’s stead. She was now wearing the skin of a bear with the head of the bear over her own head.
I gasped in surprise. Both women looked at me, startled that I was there. I crouched down further into my little hole and tried to remain quiet. However one of the women came over to me and pushed her hand and arm down into the hole. I looked at it, white as white could be. I followed the hand, with very little hair on it, up to the elbow, then up further to the shoulder and it was then I could see some of the bear skin. It was the younger woman who had been standing in fear next to the bear. I looked up to her face, it was warm and friendly. She smiled at me with her beautiful blue eyes. She reached down and touched my leg. I flinched. Then she reached for my hand. I took hold of it and she pulled me up to the ground.
Immediately I hugged her, then I noticed there was blood on her arm. As I looked down at her arm, I followed her gaze in the distance. The other spirit had completely disappeared. Yet the bear skin was still on this woman. The tiger had also disappeared and the earth had stopped trembling and quaking. There were no more fire works flying through the sky. She was warm and her embrace felt strong. I stayed and let my head rest on her shoulder. I felt safe again.
As she walked along, she was “talking to me” communicating through my thoughts and I to her. It was abstract thought. She told me her name was Alexa and I told her my name was Sanda.
From that time on, we were friends and our bond would find us being together throughout the centuries, many life times, and spiritually we would be together on a mission to find our loved ones who had disappeared and left us.